Six Sentence Sunday #25

Welcome to Six Sentence Sunday! Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment. The feedback I need this week, if you don’t mind: does the metaphor I use work or is it too much of a cliche? Please be sure to visit the other Sixers!

Fast forward from last week’s scene on the beach to happy hour at a local bar. Rachel and her co-workers are there, including Adam. Shannon is also there, a woman who has a history with Adam. She’s just asked Rachel if she has ever been in love.

“And then there’s Adam here,” Shannon said. Rachel winced. It was like watching a car crash, knowing it was coming but being unable to stop it from happening. “The man who has never given his heart to anyone.” Shannon paused, talking a swig of her beer–she was not smiling.

“Not true,” Adam said softly.

Here’s the link for prior week’s snippets from Swashbuckler, my WIP.
PLEASE go visit the other talented writers participating in Six Sentence Sunday!

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24 thoughts on “Six Sentence Sunday #25

  1. I think the metaphor works as it sums up what she’s seeing, but like the others said, if there’s something unique to her personality that might be more original. It’s not an overused metaphor, so it might work just fine for this scene. I love, love, love Adam’s reply. I sighed and wanted to hug him. I hope it’s Rachel or was it Shannon and she broke his heart and he’s trying to get over her. Anyway, it sets up some great tension and intrigue, well done! I also felt her awkwardness here, when you like a guy and he’s around and someone else just starts in with the embarrassing questions…

    • Thanks, Angela. Yes, to her great surprise, it is Rachel. It’s this revelation that makes her realize she needs to end it with Adam because he’s taking it much more seriously than she is. The two of them (R & A) have a great back story.

  2. I think analogies must be in tune with the character’s POV. If this is how she thinks, then the analogy is perfect. If she’s a really original thinker, the kind who coins phrases and makes quirky comparisons, then something more unique would be in order. The trick is not to make it so unique that it’s tortured. Hope this helps.

    • Thanks, Patricia. That’s a really good point-and a great question to ask my beta readers, too. Rachel’s smart and has sort of a dry sense of humor, slightly pessimistic due to life’s circumstances.

  3. I agree with K.E. Saxon. I wanted to find out what her profession was to see if there’s something more original. Loved Adam’s response, as well. (And the softly was perfect.) Very nice Six!

    Kally

  4. Hey, Karysa! I think the metaphor works, but I like the rephrasing of it. It has a smoother flow. Also, (not in this case, it works) I usually try to use metaphors that are connected to the character’s–I don’t know–profession, hobbies, etc. Like a sports fanatic guy might use sports-like metaphors, or a graphic artist might think in metaphors that have to do with design or something. Does that make sense? I LOVE Adam’s reaction, BTW. What a heart twister. You just know he’s pining away for somebody (possibly Rachel?)

    • K.E. & Kally, thanks for the feedback. What a great idea! “It was like watching one of her students mumble through a presentation and being unable to end her misery by excusing her from the assignment.” Doesn’t quite work in this context, I think, because a teacher has more control over a student than a co-worker, but now you know what Rachel does. 🙂

    • Thanks, Sandra & Alix. “It was like watching a car crash, knowing it was coming but being powerless to stop it.” OR “It’s that split second before a car crash, you know it will happen but you can’t stop it.”

  5. or maybe ..can’t stop it from happening. I think the analogy is perfect especially while knocking back a beer. Great imagery.

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