Just a quick post for two reasons. 1) It’s been so long. And 2) I wanted to share what happened to me today.
I’ve been in a bit of a funk. My daughter’s not here, school (aka work) is starting in a few days, I’ve not finished half of what I wanted to this summer, and my house is still a mess.
I’d planned on spending all of today writing–my computer was up and running, I had a glass of water, and I’d cracked my knuckles as the “Write or Die” website was coming up.
And then my phone beeped with a news alert. Neil Armstrong had died.
I turned on the TV to watch the news, but the local channels had on Saturday programming. As I scrolled through the hundreds of channels to find CNN, I saw that Sense and Sensibility was on. So I stopped on that channel and I began to watch. And watch. And I didn’t stop until the end, just a mere two hours later.
The Sense and Sensibility I watched was the one with Snape, Dr. House, Hugh Grant (because let’s face it, he always plays himself), Rose from Titanic, and Sybil Trelawney from Harry Potter. I admit that even though I haven’t watched any other version, this one is my favorite.
But instead of feeling happy, I felt sad, or, more apropos to the time period of S & S, I was melancholy. The last scene, when Elinor breaks down sobbing upon realizing that Edward is not married, always has had me bawling alongside her. Today was no exception. This is the scene that does it to me every time:
I relate to Elinor. She’s the oldest, the always having-to-keep-everything-under-control, the one who longs for love but has convinced herself that things are as they must be for the sake of morals and as a result of being a good person. Finally, she’s the one being completely overpowered by the feelings of past pain and profound relief. Like Elinor, I’ve lived in fear of being overwhelmed by emotions. I think that’s why I work so hard to keep them in check. Only an event so surprising, so monumentally happy would be able to break down the defenses and allow them to flow freely from me.
Don’t get me wrong, I do express my emotions as those around me will vouch. I get angry. I get happy. Sad, jealous, carefree, the whole range of feelings there are to have. But sheesh, do I slam down the walls when it comes to relationships, not allowing myself to feel a damn thing. (Kind of ironic that I write romance, isn’t it? But I digress.)
So, I sat there this afternoon, watching this movie, crying along with Elinor, but wondering, where is my happily ever after?